i totally made money today playing guitar and singing at the park. my life just got a little better.
I fucking hate meeting new people.
when they realize how fucking mysterious i am, they put on an annoying ass act, like as if they’re trying to impress me. or get to me mentally. try to get me to open up. they tell me their stories like i would trade a single one of my stories for some normal persons story. it takes a special ass person for me to open up to. now theyre all gone and i’m learning to not care, whatever. people think it’s cool to be considered “crazy”, people think if you drink a lot and don’t explain why, you must be a “different” person with some interesting stuff to say. if youve got random ass tweaks and twitches after not being physically able to sleep after 4 nights of no sleep, people are entertained and interested as to why you have those awkward body tweaks. they don’t realize it’s painful. if youve got a lot tattoos that youve drawn for very specific reasons, they want to know what the stories behind them tattoos are. if youve got a sad singing voice and always have a guitar on you, theres gotta be reasons behind your songs. fuck. you. i don’t want to tell anybody my fucking stories. pathetic ass people have fucking stained the once good stories i have, and i regret saying a fucking word to any god damn person. its cool to be a fucking 19 year old alcoholic until your failing liver starts to show through your dark eyes and through little bumps all over your hands and feet. solid proof, and still too stubborn and scared to go to the hospital. not for fear of being told how much fucking time i have left, but fear of hurting my mother. the one person who hasn’t hurt me in some sort of way but one time. my mother doesn’t even know how fucking pathetic her son is. once i’m gone, the only person i would have hurt was the one person i’ve known to never hurt me but once. how fucking selfish is that of me? I just hope my liver gets to me before my mind. sorry, to anybody who might have read this. i just got really pissed of at some girls text messages. i’m going back to being shady and not talking to people, now. i just had to get some stress out. i’m getting sober for my mother. the only one who cares. the only one who hasn’t the slightest idea. and ill keep it hidden. i’ll keep my secrets for myself. forever and ever, because i can’t be as selfish and uncaring as you, the rest of this fucking world. goodbye.
